Between my month-long hospital stay, recovery, and the overall bleakness of winter I have had some time to watch and re-watch a lot of my favorite television shows. Enjoy!
This year has been a difficult one. Starting next year (this Friday), I want to try to focus on being happy despite losing our daughter so recently. But before I try to find my happy I need to get out a few observations and realizations I have made over the past month.
Despite all the fake-outs, we actually did make it to our scheduled delivery date. On Thursday, December 3rd we started the day by having a last growth ultrasound to let the medical team know what to expect. I wasn’t sure how I was going to act or how I was going to feel the day of delivery knowing that the outcome would most likely be devastating. To my relief, I was eerily calm and level-headed the entire day. I didn’t want to be the person sobbing and completely breaking down during an already difficult time. I wanted to be able to remember everything.
I like to plan. I enjoy planning vacations, fashion shows for work, parties, etc. I especially loved starting a baby registry and planning the layout for the nursery. Now that I am thrown into a situation where the plans keep changing, I’m super frustrated. Going with the flow was never my thing. Alex has helped me to be a little more spontaneous but one can only change so much. I want my calendar back, one in which I don’t have to write in pencil.
Alex and I have been going through a lot these past few months (to say the least). Trying to process changing information in regards to our baby’s outcome, medical mysteries, and having to wait to deliver has been difficult. The bleeding that started this week was just the cherry on top of this awful situation.
I don’t want to gross anyone out so stop reading if you don’t like medical details.