This year has been a difficult one. Starting next year (this Friday), I want to try to focus on being happy despite losing our daughter so recently. But before I try to find my happy I need to get out a few observations and realizations I have made over the past month.
Despite all the fake-outs, we actually did make it to our scheduled delivery date. On Thursday, December 3rd we started the day by having a last growth ultrasound to let the medical team know what to expect. I wasn’t sure how I was going to act or how I was going to feel the day of delivery knowing that the outcome would most likely be devastating. To my relief, I was eerily calm and level-headed the entire day. I didn’t want to be the person sobbing and completely breaking down during an already difficult time. I wanted to be able to remember everything.
I like to plan. I enjoy planning vacations, fashion shows for work, parties, etc. I especially loved starting a baby registry and planning the layout for the nursery. Now that I am thrown into a situation where the plans keep changing, I’m super frustrated. Going with the flow was never my thing. Alex has helped me to be a little more spontaneous but one can only change so much. I want my calendar back, one in which I don’t have to write in pencil.